Tuesday, January 20, 2009

New Work Policy

Hey there. I've been at work for about 2 days and already there are changes that I am just being aware of. Of course, this only after I've had my ass chewed out by my boss after breaking "Innovative #5"... Here's the memo that was sent out by the HR department.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f*cking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.

Number 5
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*ting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t..

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING : I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f*cking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a d*ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources


  1. I especially like number 3. Sounds like this came from someone a bit higher up. LOL

  2. The new policy is boring! WTF would the employees do now for fun??? Sheesh!!!

  3. I think I might have said every one of those at my last job. Not out loud, mind you. I worked in a court house and there were always cops around. I didn't want to get arrested for public profanity.

    My male counterpart on the other end of the hall cussed like that all the time. Of course, he was a guy and went to high school with half the cops so it was okay.

    Very funny post!

  4. This is hilarious! I have to share this with others :)

  5. I heard one from HR today.

    They said: "You've been made redundant" instead of "Pack your shit and get the fuck out of here".

    What a shitty day.